Giving into something heavenly…
For many of you this is just a typical Wednesday morning, for me it marks 2 weeks exactly since my life was turned upside down.
Thoughts running through Mel’s mind..Wednesday Aug.13, 2008..8:58 am: “Just got back from an awesome mystery trip with my students, man I love hanging out with those guys. I am excited about this next year of my ministry I have come with an awesome concept and written several weeks of curriculum for our Wednesday night crossover bible study. I can’t wait to see the logo Justin comes up with.. they are gonna be so excited when they find out that we are getting awesome shirts. I am a little nervous about school this year 12 hours is a lot of classes for me, but at least I will be doing my supervised ministry and I will finally graduate in May of 09! I am so excited. I am a little nervous about this meeting with the SPRC chair and Howard [Senior Pastor].. there’s no way its anything too bad though… I’ve never had any sort of disciplinary meeting or even a critique session. I am sure I am just overstressing the situation… man I really should have eaten something before this meeting.”
Thoughts running through Mel’s mind..Wednesday Aug. 13, 2008..9:21 am: “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe that just happened… what am I gonna do… what am I gonna tell my students…. this isn’t fair. Effective immediately????? ‘We need you to resign effective IMMEDIATELY????’ What do I do that is so bad, that I have to run away in the middle of the day.. there’s no way that my ‘lack of connection with the church as a whole’ is the only reason. How can they tell me that they know that I have a solid relationship with my students and their families, but that the rest of the church doesn’t know me? How is this enough to get rid of me after 15 months! This doesn’t make sense!!!! Oh my gosh what am I gonna do about supervised ministry…. I’m not gonna graduate this year? How do I tell the students about this, I don’t wanna cut ties with them. God , what is going on!?!?!?!?!”
It’s weird to think how much our lives can change in the matter of minutes. For the most part, the rest of that day was terrible, I had to tell all of my students that I was leaving for reasons I didn’t understand, I had to call all my family and close friends and try to explain it to them, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not going to be able to graduate this year, and I had to cry… alot! However in the midst of all the crap, I knew that God was still there. God was in the ”Hey, I was just thinking about you” call from one of my best friends, five minutes after my meeting. God was in the 15 minutes that I got to be with my husband and in the promise that it was gonna be okay. God was in the friend who let me sit in his office and cry, who skipped out on a staff lunch to hang with me and help me process. God was in the Sanctus Real song “Whatever you’re doing” that I heard as I was waiting to meet my students at Sonic. God was in the encouraging phone calls and the disbelief from my friends and family. God was in the friends who dropped everything to hang out and “reflect” on the experiences with me. God was there.
The Sanctus Real song I mentioned above is pretty much a daily mantra for me. I am not a person who usually blogs song lyrics, but this song is more than just some song I like. This song has become my hope, my constant reminder to listen to God through this and to remember that I cannot always understand what God has in store for me.
“Whatever you’re doing” – Sanctus Real
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
So where am I now?
Fortunately I have been able to spend the last two weeks thinking about what God is actually calling me to do. I realize that I am called into specialized ministry… more specifically, youth in missions, Junior High Students, or Worship. These are areas that I am passionate about, these are places that I excel and that I can truly feel God working in me when I am a part of them. I realized long ago that I am not called to be a Sunday Morning Pulpit Preacher, Senior Pastor of a church is not my call…. but I did know that youth is where I wanted to be. Now 4 years later I am realizing something about my calling again. I am not cut out to be the Director, the number 1. I want to focus my energies on one specific area, group, milieu, tradition, experience… etc. And at this point, I am not naive enough to tell you that 4 years from now I won’t have another amazing revelation.
Accepting this realization puts me in another tumultuous spot, there are no ministry opportunities that fit those criteria at present time. And because I am still in school I am restricted to a 120 mile radius of Fort Worth. So when I finish this rather lengthy blog I will suck up my pride, and apply for a job to pay the bills…. probably Target, or Lowe’s, or maybe I’ll answer the posting I saw for “Bakery seeks Counter Help.” But I will find another, I will finish my classes and I will continue to pray that God prepares opportunities and experiences for me to be the Pastor I am called to be.
Pyaar and Agape*
-Mel**
*Pyaar and Agape, is an email sign off that my friends, Loni, Rishad and myself coined. Agape is the Christian kind of love, that calls you to love everyone friend or foe, and Pyaar is the Hindi word for love. I really like pairing the two together because it makes me think of a global kind of agape… and it reminds me of Rishad and Loni. :)
**If you are still reading this… Thank you!
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